


Broken Hearts

by danfaz94



Series: Spander Canon [4]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Closeted Character, Gay, Gay Male Character, Heartbreak, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 16:34:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14241393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danfaz94/pseuds/danfaz94
Summary: Xander Harris returns to Los Angeles for the funeral of his friend and former girlfriend. However, he gets more than he bargained for when he finds out that his secret vampire love, Spike, has been brought back from the dead. He plans to confront him about their future, but is he ready to handle the consequences? A SEQUEL TO "AFTER DARK", "LOVE NEVER DIES" AND "REBOUND"





	Broken Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to my previous works "After Dark", "Love Never Dies" and "Rebound". Like those, this plays with the idea that Xander and Spike have secretly had sex during the course of the show, whilst still in-keeping with the complete established canon. This takes place directly after the Angel Season 5 episode You're Welcome. I've tried not to contradict the canon comic book follow up to Buffy by being vague about which country/continent Xander has been in.

Xander Harris had barely been back in the country for half a day and already he was a mess of emotions. He had only planned to visit Wolfram & Hart briefly and that was only to politely converse with Angel about what the procedure was for the next day. Now he was on his way one of the offices to see whether or not it could possibly be real – that the man he’d secretly loved for years was no longer dead. He’d dealt with resurrection before, but this felt different.

Angel had said the name so casually, as if it wouldn’t cause Xander’s heart to burst into a thousand pieces. How had this been kept a secret? How could this even be happening? All he knew is that he needed to see it for himself. He’d tried to be as casual as possible in asking the right questions and making a swift exit, but he feared he’d utterly failed at being convincing.

None of that mattered, though. All he knew is that he had to this for himself. He may only have one eye left, but it would be good enough if it meant another chance to see that perfect face again. He finally made it to the room and found the door was open. He stepped forward and peeked inside.

There, stood by a desk and messing with a pile of paper, was Spike.

Xander didn’t say anything at first. He simply stood in the doorway and took in what he couldn’t believe was actually right in front of him. It wasn’t an allusion, or a trick of the light – Spike was really there, in the flesh. Xander had at least expected some sort of ghostly apparition. When he couldn’t take it any longer, he cleared his throat. Spike whipped is head round.

His looked visibly taken aback. ‘Xander...’

‘So it’s true,’ Xander whispered, stepping into the room. ‘When Angel said Spike, I thought... but, now... oh my god...’ He was trembling.<.p>

‘What are you doing in Los Angeles?’ Spike asked. ‘Last I heard you’d left the country.’

‘I did,’ Xander replied, his voice quivering. ‘I mean, there wasn’t really much left for me here. I’ve just flown back for Cordelia’s funeral. Figure I owe her that much.’

‘Oh, right. Yeah, sorry, I didn’t think about that.’

No words were spoken for a minute or so – however, they couldn’t take their eyes off each other.

Xander then took another step close. ‘You’re not just an image? You’re... you’re actually...’

‘I’m corporeal,’ Spike confirmed, then gave him a small smile. ‘You can touch me... if you want.’ 

In one swift movement, Xander rushed forward and put his arms round Spike. He didn’t care about being subtle anymore, this man had haunted his dreams for months now and he needed this. Spike returned the favour and embraced him tightly. The two men stood like this for a while. 

Xander buried his head into Spike’s neck.

‘Are you crying, you soppy git?’

‘N-no...’ Xander lied, heaving a stifled sob.

Spike drew back and looked Xander in the eye. ‘Come on, it’s nothing to get upset about. I’m back. It’s a good thing.’

Xander quickly wiped a tear from his cheek. ‘And when exactly were you gonna tell me?’

‘Eventually,’ Spike said. ‘I just... needed some time.’

‘Does Buffy know?’

‘No. And don’t tell her, alright? I wanna be the one to do it?’

Xander felt a little betrayed about this. ‘Right, wouldn’t want Buffy finding out the way I did.’ He turned away and started pacing around the room. ‘I mean, I was just some one time fling.’

‘Don’t be so bloody stupid.’ 

Xander turned back to face him. His one remaining eye blurry from the crying. ‘Did you think about me at all? Or have you just had Buffy on your mind the whole time?’

‘Of course I’ve thought about you.’

‘Yeah right,’ Xander scoffed.

‘Hey!’ Spike stormed towards him and his arms. ‘I know you think that I don’t care about you or whatever, but I do. What we shared wasn’t just life changing for you.’

Xander peered into the vampire’s eyes. ‘What are you saying?’

‘I’m saying that...’ Spike shook his head slightly. ‘I don’t know, in another world, another life – maybe we could have had something special.'

Xander grabbed one of Spike’s hands and gave it a squeeze. ‘It’s not too late. We still can.’ He hated how desperate he sounded, but it needed to be said. ‘Why not? I’ll stay here. Or you can come with me.’

‘I need to stay here. Angel and the gang, they need me.’

Xander let go of Spike’s hand. ‘Of course.... well, wouldn’t wanna upset Angel now, would we?’ Xander muttered, bitterly.

‘Are you jealous?’

‘No,’ Xander said, a bit too quickly. He blushed and looked away. ‘It’s just... you know... I wasn’t the first guy you’d been with. You told me.’

Spike sighed. ‘Angel and me... that was nothing.’

‘What about you and Buffy? You love her. I know you do.’

Spike didn’t say anything, but the look on his face spoke volumes. Tears began to trickle down Xander’s face again. Before he could even react to this, Spike lifted his hands and wiped them away for him. Then he stroked the side of his face. 

‘I’d forgot about your eye...’

Xander couldn’t help but roll his eyes. ‘You know, there’s not a day goes by that someone doesn’t comment on the eyepatch.’

‘I’m sorry, I –’

‘It’s okay,’ he muttered. ‘I didn’t... it’s fine.’

‘No, really, I’m sorry. It must get annoying.’

‘I can think of worse things,’ Xander mumbled.

Spike held Xander’s hand again. ‘I meant what I said. If things were different...’

He couldn’t finish the sentence, but Xander understood and nodded. ‘I know... but...’ Xander tried to stop himself, tried to give himself some dignity, but Spike’s touch was too much to bear. He knew he had to try, even if it made him look pathetic. ‘Why could try. I know you’d wanna talk to Buffy. I know where she is, I could come with you. I can be there for you. Please...’ He sobbed into his hand. ‘Please think about it.’ 

‘Xander...’

Xander began to trace his fingers alongside the waistband of Spike’s trousers with one hand, whilst stroking his chest with the other.

Spike didn’t even make eye contact. ‘Don’t...’

‘Why?’ Xander asked, hurt.

‘It would be wrong. You and me... it ain’t ever gonna happen. I’d just be leading you on.’

‘I don’t care,’ Xander sniffled. ‘I don’t expect a commitment. I – I don’t...’

‘It’s not fair on you.’ He brushed Xander’s hair and then gripped his shoulder. ‘You deserve better.’

‘Please,’ Xander begged. ‘We can keep it a secret if that’s what you want. We... we can just meet up away from the others... we can make that work. Spike, please...’

Before he could get another word out, Spike kissed him tenderly on the lips and then rested his forehead against Xander’s. The two of them held this pose for a moment, savouring an unspoken bond.

‘You should go,’ Spike whispered. ‘After the funeral. Just go.’

‘I will,’ Xander said, caressing Spike’s jaw. ‘I promise. But tonight... tonight we can just... let’s just go somewhere... be alone.’

Spike let go of Xander and turned his back. He walked over to the window and put his face in his hand. ‘No,’ he said, firmly. ‘I’m sorry. Just leave, this is getting us nowhere.’

Xander dreaded how awful his face must look since it was no doubt drenched in tears and extremely blotchy. He couldn’t hold back his emotions now that the man he loved was being so distant. ‘I love you,’ he whimpered. ‘I love you, William.’ 

Spike turned slowly and sighed. ‘I love you, too. But not enough.’

Xander hid his face behind his arm in a feeble attempt to hide how broken he was. He didn’t even bother to look as he heard and then felt Spike sweep past him and leave the room.

He clutched his chest, afraid that his heart was about to tear right out of it. He fell to his knees and cried until there were no more tears to shed. Until he was left with nothing but complete silence.

Everything had happened so quickly, that he could barely register what had just gone down. Following his conversation with Angel, things had just become a blur. A painful, emotional blur. He wanted to hit himself for the way he had acted. He must look like a snivelling loser. But he knew that there was a valid reason for his actions. After all, it wasn’t every day you got the chance to talk to someone you were in love with that you thought had perished in flames.

As he gingerly got to his feet and made his way back outside, he wondered if maybe it would have been better if he didn’t find out that Spike had been brought back to life. If he didn’t know, then he could have gone through life pretending that they might have had a possible future together. But then he remembered how distraught he had been the last few months, barely able to sleep due to the thought that Spike was dead. At least he had some sense closure. It may not have been perfect, but it was something. Maybe now he could get on with his life – perhaps, just maybe, find someone else.


End file.
